SOBER CITY – Day 67

P254

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Sober City – March 8th, 2011
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The past is a toxic wasteland capable of psychological torture of Sheenian proportions. The ability to vividly remember better times or thinner bodies or whatever glory days we may have lived through as younger versions of ourselves is one of the many evil designs of the human experience that we all share. Oh sure it can be great to reminisce about the good times and fondly remember moments with loved ones and what have you, but it can also remind you of how much better things may have been before and how different they are now. The past will only make you feel as good as the present will allow and presently, my past is making me feel like shit.
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I’m extremely fortunate to have lived a very full and exciting life in what little time I’ve been here so far and up until a couple years ago it was always getting better. High school was a great time, college was amazing, my life in Vancouver as lead singer of my old band Day Theory was incredible, living at The Highland Gardens in Hollywood three pilot seasons in a row was unforgettable, I got to host a hit Canadian TV show for 4 years, I worked on a ton of great movies, I met life long friends and experienced a small taste of success on MTVs Kaya, and the list goes on and on. I’m not telling you all this to brag about my life and the awesome things I’ve done, it’s actually quite the opposite. Despite what has been an amazing ride so far, full of endless stories and cherished memories, I still managed to get to a place where it all seems like nothing more than a distant memory. Probably because that’s exactly what the past is, memories. Memories meant to be thought of, smiled at, learned from, and not dwelled on. Well, dear blog followers, I sure as hell am dwelling.
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I feel like this is an important thing to confess because not everyone really talks about it. It’s not cool to dwell on the past and long for the good old days, especially when you’re still “living the dream”. It’s something normally reserved for the middle aged housewives and tired business men trapped behind picket fences with overdue mortgage payments and diapers on the grocery list. The inevitable sullen recollection during post work beers or afternoon wines of an easier time with no responsibilities and an endless supply of hope and wonder. Well I am about as far from that scene as humanly possible and I’m here to announce that I still wallow in the murky waters of what used to be. “If only I looked the way I used to looked when I was kicking ass in my old band”; “If only I had the blind confidence I had when I was on my TV shows”; “If only I could switch my “jaded” setting back to “optimistic”. These are all thoughts I’ve had lately and they are both utterly ridiculous and completely crippling. Logically I know these thoughts are false, but age and boredom can do a really good job of taking logic out in an alley and beating it to death with a self pity bat. The truth is, it’s impossible to be the person you were before and it’s just as impossible to stay the person you are now. We constantly change, that’s just the way it is and it’s just as useless looking back for answers as it is looking too far forward. Oprah and the new agers are right, it’s all about now.
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Now what does any of this have to do with not drinking you might ask? Well, I can only assume that everything I’m going through is of relevance to this ridiculous game of will power I’ve impossed upon myself and in the spirit of full disclosure and self discovery I try not to censor too much. I obviously felt I was at a point in my life where I wanted something to change bad enough that I decided to actively shake things up, so exploring my past is probably par for the course. I will confess however, that I did assume a lot of my “woe-is-me-I-miss-my-old-self” thinking was solely connected to nights of drinking too much, but it turns out not to be the case. Wallowing in the past is entirely doable sans the alcoholic encouragement. If anything I’m realizing alcohol doesn’t have as much to do with my issues and hang ups as I had originally assumed it did. Kind of a bummer seeing on how I was secretly hoping that optimism and “living in the now” would be some of the added benefits of sobriety. So far the only real benefit has been this blog, which I do enjoy writing so I guess it’s not all bad.
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Maybe I’m over thinking everything. As much as we do constantly change in most aspects, we are still at the core the same person in our memories as we are in our plans. Once again it all comes down to how you look at things. There are no real answers kids, just a whole lot of questions and at the end of the day, no matter how bad you miss the past or worry about the future, you can always take comfort in knowing that right now is all that truly matters. That, and the fact that you’re not Charlie Sheen. Cheers!

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