Sober City – March 15th, 2011
It’s funny how your entire perception can change from one day to the next. Some days you wake up full of optimism and excitement at the new moments and experiences that lay ahead, and other days you just really really want a god damn beer! Just one, maybe two, that’s all. No big deal. No lost weekend in Vegas. No after-after-after parties. No waking up while driving a cop car. One beer! Or a medium size bottle of wine. Maybe some shots. Three, four Jäger bombs, tops. Half a dozen rum and cokes. Maybe a couple double Jack and…oh I see the problem here. The slope. The sneaky, slippery, delicious slope. It is indeed steep and it is patiently awaiting my departure from the wagon. The downside to the uphill struggle of holding my ground and keeping my feet dry. The deceivingly dangerous allure of the 180 flip that is absolute total debauchery. “What happens when the experiment is over?”
No one can deny that there is a strong chance of me experiencing an immediate downward spiral after being sober for so long. Human nature dictates that denying oneself of a certain pleasure can in fact intensify the craving for the very thing you’ve spent so much energy avoiding. I don’t know if that’s true. It sounds true. I mean it’s true for me as far as I know. Not to say that a year long booze binge is absolutely inevitable when this ride is over but it’s not completely out of the question either. That being said, I’m in no way planning on going off the rails and spending days on end pushing the limits of sanity and self medication. I’m just recognizing that the urge might arise and when it does, I’ll be ready, for better or worse. At least I think I will.
See, there’s that pesky little fact that my entire perception can change on a daily (if not hourly) basis and undermine any good intentions I may have right now. I mean we all end up doing whatever it is we think is right for us at any given moment, so who’s to say that the choices we’ll make tomorrow will stay in line with the choices we’re making today? There’s no way to guarantee anything really. It all depends on how we feel at the time. That’s a sort of mass chaos. Bedlam and pandemonium. A circus run by howler monkeys and crazy people with bears on bikes and pink elephants driving clown cars! Looney Tunes. The only way to make sense of all this madness is to just be aware that it’s not suppose to make sense. Shit changes. Situations evolve. Life is not a series of square pegs in square holes. It’s curve balls and lottery numbers and it’s totally fine that way. Every moment is a moment to change. Or not. Whatever. It’s your choice.
If this experiment has taught me anything so far, it’s that we are always ultimately the ring leaders and conductors of our own twisted side shows. We call the shots. We make the rules. And while we’re on the topic of rules, I have to admit that lately I’ve been secretly thinking about shortening the year of sobriety to 6 months. Last week I was probably 99% sure I was going to stop this whole thing by July at the latest. But today is a new day dear readers, and the funny thing about new days is that they can bring about new perspectives and different ideas. I’m full steam ahead to the finish line at this point. Wishful thinking and high wire flipping. It can all change tomorrow kids, but luckily today is all that matters. No more expectations, just new days and honest choices and that should be more than enough to make it through. It has to be, otherwise we’re all going down on the same sinking ship together. Cheers!


2 thoughts on “SOBER CITY – Day 74”

  1. good writing brosky, this isn’t about you being sober anymore, it’s about how refined your talents can be without that noise getting in the way. I"m sure there’s a million changes happening around you, hopefully it can inspire others….but honestly, I think we’re screwed (all of us).

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