SOBER CITY – Depression

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And the infrequent posting begins…
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So it’s been a while since I wrote an update and it’s probably going to be even longer until this actually gets posted. Why is that? Where did I go? What the hell? Well, I’ll tell you the hell. I’m depressed. Yes, that’s a pretty serious statement but it’s the truth and I can’t be yapping on about honesty and truth without talking about everything no matter how embarrassing it may be, so there it is. I’m pretty sure I’ve been dealing with various levels of depression for a while now (the past 5 years at least) and I’m currently in a high level shit zone at the moment with my inspiration and motivation crippled beyond recognition. It’s not the first time I’ve felt like this and I know it won’t be the last, but it’s also not a completely dire situation and I know the feeling will eventually pass. I just think it’s important to recognize it for what it is and talking about it is always a good step in the right direction.
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I bring this up now because it’s legitimately a big part of what I’m going through at the moment and it was also a major factor behind the original Sober City. I didn’t focus on it too much before because I didn’t understand it enough and I thought it was just a byproduct of drinking and therefor easily manageable, but the truth is it’s something that has been growing inside of me regardless of alcohol for quite some time now and it’s high time to call attention to it so I can send it back to whatever filthy jerk hole it crawled out of.
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The good news is, it’s not the end of the world. I have plenty of reasons to be experiencing this right now and I also have plenty of tools to get myself out of this sad sack state and back to something at least resembling happiness. The trick is (and always has been) actually doing the things I need to do. Knowing how to feel better is the easy part. The real problem is doing those things and trust me, sometimes I have absolutely no idea how to do them. It can seem utterly impossible to get motivated when you’re feeling even slightly down but if there’s one thing I know, it’s that nothing stays the same forever. Tides turn. Bad thoughts pass. Darkness lifts. It’s just the way it is. That’s why the only thing you can do when you’re engulfed in despair and sadness is to be open and aware enough to take advantage of the inevitable window of positivity, no matter how small or brief it may be, and be ready to pull yourself out of the shitty swamp of depression and onto the dry shores of hope and promise as soon as that window cracks in the slightest, and it will crack. That’s when it gets better.
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From the time I started writing this post until now (about 2 weeks or so) I’ve already starting healing, seemingly out of nowhere. Talking about it to my friends and family helped a bit, talking about it to my therapist helped a bit more, forcing myself to go to the gym helped even more and spending a day outside in sunshine and nice weather helped even more and more. It’s all part of the ebb and flow of life and it’s important to recognize any moment you can that gets yourself back to yourself and pounce on those moments before they’re gone. I’m doing my best to practice what I preach and keep trying to be the person I truly want to be. Some days are going to be harder than others but I’m keeping my eyes open and engine ready. I may not be out of the woods just yet but the path is clear and I’m moving my feet forward, one step at a time and that’s the most important thing of all. That and avoiding bears. Avoid the bears.
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JM

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One thought on “SOBER CITY – Depression”

  1. I didn’t get the new post email notification WordPress usually sends…I just opened the app specifically to drop you a “how ya doin’? It’s been a while” comment. I hate to sound stalker-esque, but I think about you on my not-so-easy days, and maybe it’s my maternal instincts, but I worry a little bit, too. Good to read that you’re honest, realistic, and have found ways to steer yourself towards that proverbial glowing speck at the end of the tunnel. You’re awesome, Joe.

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