Sober City Redux: Day 56

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Apparently, I have nothing to say. Blank screens. Blank pages. Out of date blog. My intentions were sound at one point I swear. I’m not sure what happened. Nothing, I suppose. That’s the point I guess. I still haven’t had any alcohol since my last post so there’s that. I don’t feel like I’ve lost any weight in the two months (almost) since I’ve stopped drinking so there’s also that. I’m bored most of the time and feel like writing about all this is becoming an impossible chore that I’ve almost all but completely lost interest in, so there’s also that. What else? I hate my mustache. That’s a fact. There. Stuff to write about. Cue the witty phrasing and clever metaphors about living life and feeling feelings. I don’t know. Maybe it’s just too god damn cold for creativity. All work and no play makes Jack freeze to death in the hedge maze with his family. Spoiler alert. 

I guess all this is normal and expected. I never really assumed I’d have amazing insights and important things to say ever, let alone on any kind of regular basis. I’m just another land mammal flopping around the landscape hoping I don’t get swallowed into the horizon. All a part of the human experience. I’m still here. I’m still living. I’m still figuring it all out. I suppose this isn’t really anything that NEEDS to be written about and posted online but then again, what the hell ever does? One more coffee stained carton of thumb typed words to add to the Internet landfill in the faintest of hopes that one day it’ll be a small part of the inevitable inferno. Burning bright and burning strong, just long enough to matter. We all want the same thing really. We just all have different ways of trying to get it.
I’m sure I have lots more to say and talk about with this blog and hopefully I’ll be back to semi regular posting sooner than later. In the meantime, I’ll keep doing what I’m doing and you keep doing what you’re doing. I hear the Internet has lots of cool cat videos. Check it out!
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JM

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Sober City Redux: Day 35

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35 years ago I decided to start living. I know I was eager to do this because I wasn’t suppose to start living outside of the womb for another month or so. I wanted to get the show started so much I was willing to live in an incubator for weeks and stress out my poor mom and dad night and day for the sole purpose of starting my life at that exact moment. This was selfish sure, but I believe it was necessary to fulfill my life’s goal of sharing a birthday with both Oprah Winfrey AND Tom Selleck. Mission accomplished.

This was only the first time I decided to start living however. Somewhere around four years old I proclaimed I was going to be a famous actor. I might not have actually said that in so many words but I knew from a very young age in my heart that I was going to entertain people so I decided I was an actor and started living as such. Years later, the first time I felt like I was really in love, I was inspired to write my first song and shortly after it was received so well I decided to make that a regular part of my life for the rest of my life and I started living again. These moments continued to happen throughout my life on a fairly frequent basis and helped keep me fully engaged with life and in control. Then something terrible happened and I stopped living completely.

Before I get into that though, I should address some things that happened since my last post. My birthday was last Thursday and Sunday was the Super Bowl. Both of these events were my first real “staying sober” challenges. I honestly didn’t think they’d be challenging at all, and in many ways they really weren’t, but sometime during the day of my birthday I decided I was going to have some drinks and I convinced myself it was ok. First of all, it is ok. I know that I’m at a place where drinking once or twice a month for special occasions wouldn’t throw me back into a downward spiral of depression and practicing moderation is something that would probably be more beneficial to me in the long run but for whatever reason the moment just never felt right and I ended up sticking to water both nights. This did however open the door for a new conversation about how to proceed with Sober City in the future and I’m sure I’ll be setting new guidelines for myself eventually. Just not yet.

The second thing that happened had nothing to do with drinking at all but probably more to do with my entire struggle over the past 6 years then everything else combined. Yesterday was my dad’s birthday and I haven’t been able to talk to him for roughly 7 years now. Losing my father shook me to my core. It’s not something I’ve talked about much on here but it needs to be acknowledged. Sometime during the 11 months when dad was in the hospital (with a sever brain injury) and the months following his death, I decided to stop living. After spending 20 some years of engaging with life and “deciding to live” time and time again, for the first time ever I shut down completely. This wasn’t a conscious choice and it wasn’t something that happened overnight but it was a throughly self destructive mindset that took over my entire being and turned me into someone I didn’t recognize at all. Thankfully, I’m through the worst of it and well on the way to recovery but I’d be a fool not to recognize the profound impact it had (and will always have) on my life.

I only bring this up now because yesterday reminded me just how important it is to start living again. I’ve been hiding from life for way too long and it’s the worst thing I could be doing and the last thing dad would ever want me to do. It’s not a simple fix. It’s not a shortcut to happiness, but it is an opportunity to channel my younger self, the person I used to love and nurture, and decide to start living again today and hopefully again and again tomorrow.

Sharing all of these thoughts with everyone might not be necessary or productive (or cool) but it helps put things into perspective and it’s all part of whatever journey this turns out to be. So let’s start living again people! It’s what Oprah would have wanted.
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JM